Here I am about 3 weeks since my last post and I speak the same thing I have for a while now. Weight loss and Therapy go hand in hand. Let's be honest, We are Obese for a reason. For me it is food addiction and emotional eating. I tend to eat when I feel bad, sad, mad, happy, etc. As I was gaining my weight I never thought to work on it mentally as well. I was in therapy the majority of my life but we never discussed my weight besides for the small talk about needing to lose weight. We never talked about why I was so big just that I needed to try and lose weight. That was it and for a long time I believed I could handle this myself. Truth be told I thought of weight loss as a simple eat less and exercise scenario and it worked once. I lost over 100lbs when I was 17. Not sure how much more than 100 it was because no scale my Doctors had weighed past 400 at the time. So Why was it so easy at first but so hard now? Well it's because losing is easy when you're in the right mindset but keeping it off is nearly impossible because our mindset constantly changes. What we need to do is work on our thinking enough to see the signs of weight gain before they happen.
I am in therapy now and we are working on my eating. I am learning why I eat and I am learning to be mindful about when I eat and what I eat. My therapist tells me to write down my triggers and what I do about them as well as what I should do about them. Through doing that I have learned I tend to eat when I am upset more than when I am happy. I tend to binge when I fight with my Mother and when I am bored. I choose the wrong foods when I am depressed. I buy the right foods when I am hopeful. Most of all though is I learned that my will to live is weak compared to my addiction to food.
I know that if I do not stop gaining I will die. I know that eating all this processed food I will end up having heart failure. I know people that are Obese and have heart failure. I know people that were Obese and Young when they died. This has not stopped my eating. Nothing has stopped me from eating pizza rolls and drinking soda. I may go a month or two where I eat right and make an effort to exercise but in the end I go right back to being a fat sack of shit that doesn't care. Is there anything that can make me change for good?
Some could argue that I have a good life. I have a wife and two sons. I own a vehicle and we rent a home. I finally received my SSI after two and a half years of trying which gave me income and health insurance that pays for my medicines and paid for my surgery. This should be enough to make a full change. This should be enough reason to live, right? Well lets break it down. My wife and I have plenty of issues that I will not go in to. My sons are wild and hard for me to handle on my own. SSI may have given me medication and money for rent but it also gave me an excuse to order pizza and treat myself to dessert. The home we rent is a piece of shit trailer that is overpriced and has a ton of problems. Our vehicle is the only thing we have that has been faithful and its the perfect transportation to get from the house to McDonald's. Add those "excuses" to the fact I am mentally ill and you have the reason I won't change.
Let's get back to how therapy can help. With therapy and working on my eating disorder I can find the will to live again. I am already learning to know when I am in danger of being triggered. I am working on how I can stop myself from eating the wrong things. I know that I can change and I just have to make myself go for it. By doing this I can start to lose weight and stick to it. If I can manage to control my emotions and keep positive things in sight I will be able to succeed. I am working on this. One day I will be able to implement it.
So here is where I am right now. I know that no one reads these and that is alright because if I am to be honest this is meant to be a diary most the time. I weighed 475 The beginning of this month. I am doing fasting and lost down to 463 but then gained back to close to 470. This is scary because I was 440 not long ago and I never went past 450 when I was not dieting. Now that I know I can gain more I am scared I will keep going. I am scared I will go back over 500. I had weight loss surgery but failed it. I am wanting a better surgery but it scares me that it won't help me. Let's face it surgery does not fix food addiction. So here I am worrying myself in to an anxiety attack. My only hope is that I can lose some more weight and therapy can continue helping me. See you soon.
Here I am about 3 weeks since my last post and I speak the same thing I have for a while now. Weight loss and Therapy go hand in hand. Let's be honest, We are Obese for a reason. For me it is food addiction and emotional eating. I tend to eat when I feel bad, sad, mad, happy, etc. As I was gaining my weight I never thought to work on it mentally as well. I was in therapy the majority of my life but we never discussed my weight besides for the small talk about needing to lose weight. We never talked about why I was so big just that I needed to try and lose weight. That was it and for a long time I believed I could handle this myself. Truth be told I thought of weight loss as a simple eat less and exercise scenario and it worked once. I lost over 100lbs when I was 17. Not sure how much more than 100 it was because no scale my Doctors had weighed past 400 at the time. So Why was it so easy at first but so hard now? Well it's because losing is easy when you're in the right mindset but keeping it off is nearly impossible because our mindset constantly changes. What we need to do is work on our thinking enough to see the signs of weight gain before they happen.
I am in therapy now and we are working on my eating. I am learning why I eat and I am learning to be mindful about when I eat and what I eat. My therapist tells me to write down my triggers and what I do about them as well as what I should do about them. Through doing that I have learned I tend to eat when I am upset more than when I am happy. I tend to binge when I fight with my Mother and when I am bored. I choose the wrong foods when I am depressed. I buy the right foods when I am hopeful. Most of all though is I learned that my will to live is weak compared to my addiction to food.
I know that if I do not stop gaining I will die. I know that eating all this processed food I will end up having heart failure. I know people that are Obese and have heart failure. I know people that were Obese and Young when they died. This has not stopped my eating. Nothing has stopped me from eating pizza rolls and drinking soda. I may go a month or two where I eat right and make an effort to exercise but in the end I go right back to being a fat sack of shit that doesn't care. Is there anything that can make me change for good?
Some could argue that I have a good life. I have a wife and two sons. I own a vehicle and we rent a home. I finally received my SSI after two and a half years of trying which gave me income and health insurance that pays for my medicines and paid for my surgery. This should be enough to make a full change. This should be enough reason to live, right? Well lets break it down. My wife and I have plenty of issues that I will not go in to. My sons are wild and hard for me to handle on my own. SSI may have given me medication and money for rent but it also gave me an excuse to order pizza and treat myself to dessert. The home we rent is a piece of shit trailer that is overpriced and has a ton of problems. Our vehicle is the only thing we have that has been faithful and its the perfect transportation to get from the house to McDonald's. Add those "excuses" to the fact I am mentally ill and you have the reason I won't change.
Let's get back to how therapy can help. With therapy and working on my eating disorder I can find the will to live again. I am already learning to know when I am in danger of being triggered. I am working on how I can stop myself from eating the wrong things. I know that I can change and I just have to make myself go for it. By doing this I can start to lose weight and stick to it. If I can manage to control my emotions and keep positive things in sight I will be able to succeed. I am working on this. One day I will be able to implement it.
So here is where I am right now. I know that no one reads these and that is alright because if I am to be honest this is meant to be a diary most the time. I weighed 475 The beginning of this month. I am doing fasting and lost down to 463 but then gained back to close to 470. This is scary because I was 440 not long ago and I never went past 450 when I was not dieting. Now that I know I can gain more I am scared I will keep going. I am scared I will go back over 500. I had weight loss surgery but failed it. I am wanting a better surgery but it scares me that it won't help me. Let's face it surgery does not fix food addiction. So here I am worrying myself in to an anxiety attack. My only hope is that I can lose some more weight and therapy can continue helping me. See you soon.
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