A Diary of a 500 Pound Man

Life is what we make it that's what people say but I tried to make mine better but it all stopped today. I woke up just to see Somethings weren't as they seem. It took me way too long to realize it was all a dream. Everything I fought to have but the one thing that I desire. It was all for not, burned up in the fire.

Here I am about 3 weeks since my last post and I speak the same thing I have for a while now. Weight loss and Therapy go hand in hand. Let's be honest, We are Obese for a reason. For me it is food addiction and emotional eating. I tend to eat when I feel bad, sad, mad, happy, etc. As I was gaining my weight I never thought to work on it mentally as well. I was in therapy the majority of my life but we never discussed my weight besides for the small talk about needing to lose weight. We never talked about why I was so big just that I needed to try and lose weight. That was it and for a long time I believed I could handle this myself. Truth be told I thought of weight loss as a simple eat less and exercise scenario and it worked once. I lost over 100lbs when I was 17. Not sure how much more than 100 it was because no scale my Doctors had weighed past 400 at the time. So Why was it so easy at first but so hard now? Well it's because losing is easy when you're in the right mi...

I have been doing a lot of research on the subject of Intermittent Fasting ever since I saw a documentary on YouTube called Eat, Fast, and Live Longer. This film followed Dr. Michael Mosley on his journey to find the healthiest way to reverse illness and help increase his life. In the film he ventured to America where several Doctors are doing testing on the effects of fasting. Dr. Jason Fung found that fasting in mice increased life expectancy by months which equaled years in humans. Another Doctor named Dr. Krista Varady was doing studies on Alternate Day Fasting which lead to weight loss. After visiting with both of those Doctors Dr. Mosley tried fasting. First for 3 days and next for alternate days. He found that fasting improved his blood levels but didn't last when he started eating normally again. Only lasted a few weeks at best. So he decided to do what he deemed the five and 2 diet. He would eat normally for five days out of the week and fast for two days out of the we...

Why do we choose food over our loved ones? You would think it would be enough to have the love of our significant other and our children but it's not. We would rather stuff ourselves with this unhealthy junk. I don't know about you but I am tired of my children being disappointed that Daddy can't play like other Dads can. I am tired of the feeling of regret for eating a chocolate bar late at night knowing that I am just going to gain more weight. It's not like I am 18 anymore, I am pushing 30. I'm at the point of no return and time is ticking down. Willpower is not enough, Food being slapped out of my hand is not enough, Trying to replace the addiction is not enough. I have to prepare myself mentally to beat this. I have to dig down deep and push myself out of this hole I've dug. Enough lying in the grave eating chips and dip. Enough letting my wife and kids down. Enough is Enough and it's time for a change.

" It was around Five that I started noticing myself getting bigger. That was around the time I was allowed to get food on my own. I would eat snack cakes and chips and always loved sweet tea to drink in my mason jar. It was like that everyday and some days it was too much. You see it wasn't just my fault, I was taught to eat a lot. After every home cooked meal I was always told to get seconds and sometimes thirds. We never saw anything wrong with someone eating until they were full and if we could get out of storing away left overs then my family was happy. The problem was I loved food so much I ate until I was sick and I started relating the feeling of being sick to being full. It wasn't until my teen years that I realized it was the food that made me happy. In fact if it wasn't for my love of food I would have been worse off than I already was. I was bullied a lot in school for being overweight and it hurt a lot. It hurt so much that I would eat a whole bag of c...

Today we lost a man that helped me through my teenage life, Chester Bennington. The lead singer of Linkin Park. I was in Middle School and going through a rough time. I was diagnosed with manic depression at the time and home life was awful. My Mom and Step Dad were always fighting and I was being bullied from school. My Step Dad had no idea how to deal with me so he would be on me about every little thing. He and I would come close to physical confrontation many times and at some points it did get physical. With music I could escape and one of the main bands to help me was Linkin Park. The song In The End comes to mind and man does it bring back some memories. I remember sitting on the floor in my room thinking of how to end my life while listening to a rock station on the radio when that song came on. It actually got a reaction out of me and for once I forgot what was going on in my head, If only for a short time. Later I discovered many more of their songs that I related to but...

You are there in my dreams A future I truly desire. Your intelligence and physique Something to surely admire, but alas you are only a dream. One that I must forget. I will never achieve you and this I regret. I tried so hard but my love I can not forsake. This terrible addiction Is something I can not break. Nothing I do is ever enough exercise, diet, and even surgery was just too tough. From fasting to shakes I did it all and I just don’t have what it takes. I am sorry my dream the person I wanted to be. I was just too afraid and gave up on me. Addiction, stress, and depression these things won’t stop. It’s like climbing a mountain and I’ll never reach the top. Why try anymore? The results are always the same, I give it my best and it ends with my head down in shame. So I’m saying goodbye my eyes agleam. This I declare.... Rest in peace my dead dream.

I try so hard and do so much yet you belittle and disrespect me. I care for and defend you but you're blinded and you don't see. I love you but you hate me and I don't understand why. All I wanted was your love but all I get from you is a lie. Remember when I was young and you said That you just wanted me to smile? Well now that I am older I see it was all just guile. You guilt me in to caring for you no matter how much you push me around. It's never enough for you you have to break me down. When is enough enough? When will you see what you have done? It feels like you want me dead, Well guess what, you've won. I am dead inside but remember this is true you may have beaten me but Momma I still love you.

shut off the light go to bed lie down rest your head sleep it off what was said nothing left blood is shed moon is bright colored red shining down full of dread life sinking pain has spread wont be long and you'll be dead It's all in my head!!!!!!!

Blood is boiling, heart beat quivers. Racing thoughts, body shivers. Hands tremble, Knees shake, cold sweat, too much to take. What is wrong? Heart skips a beat. Aches and pains, is this defeat? Tension builds, Head full of fear. Temperature rising, He sheds a tear. Its surely Death, No its more. Chest tightens. He felt this before. This isn't the first and it will come back... It's just another Panic Attack.

Forgotten and betrayed. He picks up the blade. Once a good friend. It will help him ascend. Darkness within. He's full of sin. 2 kids and a wife. Try to save his life. It's just too late. He will not wait. He drives it deep in his heart. He was doomed from the start. Possessed and controlled. He was used like mold. Forced to obey. He tried to pray. Nothing received. He silently grieved. Now he takes his last breath. May he find freedom with death.

Endless days Sleepless nights somethings wrong turn off the light hide we must hes on his way pray to God we survive the day he will destroy us its all he knows pain and suffering wherever he goes I feel his breath it burns my skin i thought he was gone but hes here again he wants inside he wants my soul never again will he take control fight I will Fight I must .......... down I fall beaten and betrayed Lord why couldnt you save me this day

Bleed me Till I fill with rage Bleed me till I am free of this cage Bleed me when the stars brighten Bleed me when these shackles tighten Bleed me with your evil hate Bleed me with this, my condemned fate Bleed me when I try to survive Bleed me when my soul takes a dive Bleed me and take it all away Bleed me and maybe I won't be here another day Bleed me and never let me rest Bleed me and forget that i gave my best Bleed me and you shall soon see Bleed me and all you'll do is set me free Bleed me and I dare you to look in my eyes Bleed me and it shall be your tortured cries Bleed me and find out what is true Bleed me and know all I did was lied for you Bleed me and release me of these evil chains Bleed me and break from me these unbearable pains Bleed me and take away this headache and fear Bleed me and watch me...